The Letters
by ryanzraindrop
Summary: The Marauders and Lily write letters to each other during the summer. Story told entirely through letters. RemusXLily SiriusXJames
1. Part One

_Title: Letters  
Author: Druscilla Ryan  
Rating: PG-13, though may make it to 'R' later  
Genre: Humor (Hehehe, confused you all)  
Disclaimer: Don't own HP characters. I give credit to story format to The Shoebox Project.  
Summary: Sirius, James, Remus, Lily, (and possibly uggghhh...Peter) write letters to each other over the summer.  
Dedication: Small dedication. '2' in the first letter goes to Pesha. (You'll understand in a moment.)  
A/N: Notes with switch from italics to bold so you don't lose yourself amongst the letters.  
_  
**Letters  
Part One**

_'Dearest Padfoot,  
While I cannot tell you how thrilled I am you mistakenly sent my Prongs' love leter and badly written cheap porn, I am returning said letter along with some words of advice.  
1.) Always double check your envelopes and letters.  
2.) Never use the word 'turgid' again.  
3.) Although I know you never with to 'seperate' from Prongs, the correct spelling is 'separate'.  
4.) Do not sign your letters X's and O's. It makes you look like a sad, desperate girl. I know you wish to be perceived as neither.  
Sincerely,  
Mssr. Moony'_

**'Sirius,  
I can't believe you were going to tell him that! I thought it was a secret. What goes on behind closed doors and all that. However, I am returning said letter for the looking on Moony's face when he reads it is not one I wish to deny him.  
And for the record, I do not scream like a girl, Sirius Black.  
I love you.  
Yours entirely,  
James'**

_'Moony,  
It is so terribly sd you do not enjoy my wonderful, amazing sex stories. (Not badly written porn cheap porn, you insane werewolf.) If you say anything of teh sosrt again, Mssr. Moony, I will being singing 'Hungry Like the Wolf' again everytime I see you.  
However, that aside, I seek your academic and friendly advice. Pretend you're gay, Moon (which we all know you are) and ask yourself this question:  
Would jeans or leather trousers be the better wear in the conquestion of Seducing James Henry Potter?  
Sincerely yours,  
Mssr. Padfoot'_

**'Prongs,  
Still not giving Sirius any? You better do something soon because I don't know how many more his 'pretend you're gay, Moony', 'I'm so horny, Moony', 'I love him so much, but he's so damn chaste, Moony' letters I can stand. The bloody wanker. Why doesn't he write to Lily? At least the three of you are attracted to men. I'm not.  
No offense, Prongs. If I were gay, you would be the first man to know. There was a wink there, but only because I'm drinking wine.  
Yours sincerely,  
Mssr. Moony'**

_'Sirius,  
Is our sex life really any of Moony's business? I understand he's our friend, but isn't there a point where sharing is more an annoyance than anything else?  
I miss you. When do you think we can meet up? Owl me with details, you wanker.  
Yours forever,  
James'_

**'James,  
Our sex life isn't any of Moony's business. Unfortunately, there is no sex life to speak of, therefore my frustration of the non-existant sex life can be classified as Moony's business, mainly for the fact that friends should be there to share other friend's problems. Do you agree, Prongs?  
On the other hand, if there were to be a sex life, then it would be none of Moony's business. Of course, Moony is a nosy git and would get all details out of me by prying to the end. (Which, coincedently, if you hear him speak of anything we have done, that is the reasoning for it.)  
I'm game to sneak out of the house whenever, dearest James. Get permission from your parents though. They love you and will let you do anything. (Plus they love me and which for our love to end up with marriage and lots and lots of babies. Of course, to have babies there's a required three-letter long act that must take place first.)  
Yours (still chaste and hating it),  
Sirius**

P.S. I love you'

_'Remus,  
Pay up. It's been three months and they still have not had sex. I'll meet you at midnight outside your house to claim my prize.  
Love,  
Lily'_

**'Remus,  
I must borrow your anatomy book immediately. It is a wizard anatomy book, correct? Where does a baby go when a man gets pregnant (not that you have anything to worry about)? Is that a dumb question? I don't recall Madame Pomfrey going over that one fourth year. And don't you even suggest 'asking my mother', you mother-hugging git. I remember her nearly having a fit and needing to be committed when I asked if two men could have sex with each other.  
Sincerely,  
Mssr. Padfoot**

P.S. If you tell Sirius I asked about this, I'll kill you.'

_'Lily,  
Remus hasn't been answering any of my letters and they are of vital importance. Will you please give him a poke--wherever you wish, I leave this question open to interpretation--and tell him it's not going to break his nails to crack open an envelope.  
So, how has your summer been, my dear girl? Seen any cute blokes? Meet any? Flirted? I bet you have, you little . . . I'll just trail off at the end of that sentence. It's much safer. You know I love you, Lil.  
Sincerely,  
Sirius'_

**'Sirius,  
I am to assume you are responsible for said poke to 'places that ought not be mentioned on paper'. What's wrong with you? Of course I was going to answer your letters. I just had to visit some relatives. Answers to questions in order of being asked:  
1.) Jeans, not leather trousers. We tried that on Halloween. You looked like a prostitute, and not in a good way.  
2.) No, I do not think the Imperius Curse is a good idea.  
3.) Yes, I know you were joking about above question.  
4.) You make me sad, Sirius, you really do. I do not think that swimming naked in James' backyard will make him want to shag you anymore. (He's already seen you naked and you haven't even rounded third base yet. Keep your clothes on.)  
5.) No, I do not think a tattoo would make you more desirable.  
6.) No, I will not help you with your sexual problems in a 'friendly way'.  
7.) Refuse to answer this question.  
8.) Yes, I love you.  
9.) No, I will not clear up the statement 'werewolves do it better'.  
Sincerely,  
Mssr. Moony'**

_'Sirius,  
Werewolves do it better. I would know.  
Yours sincerely (and not so chaste),  
Lily'  
_  
**'Sirius,  
Mum says this weekend is fine. I'm inviting Lily, Remus, and Peter to come an hour or so after you. Don't get any ideas, you damn dog.  
I love you very much. If you bring over another condom, I'm going to ram it somewhere and you won't like it.  
Yours forever,  
James**

P.S. No, you won't.  
P.P.S. I love you.  
P.P.P.S. No, Sirius, you won't bloody like it!'  



	2. Part Two: Jackets and Fellatio

_Title: Letters: Part Two: Jackets and Fellatio  
Author: Druscilla Ryan  
Rating: A higher sort of PG-13  
Disclaimer: Don't own HP characters, most greviously.  
Summary: James demands jacket. Sirius demands sex. Lily suggests something else. Remus gets agitated.  
_  
**LETTERS  
Part Two: Jackets and Fellatio**

_'James,  
You are never getting your jacket back! Ever! (Insert evil laugh here as cunning villianess rubs her hands together in an evil manner.)  
You are such a bloody pervert, James Potter! Don't even try an tell me you weren't thinking it. For a gay man you spend a lot of time thinking dirty things of the opposite sex.  
Sincerely,  
The Crafty Jacket Stealing Villianess, Lily_

P.S. You may not want your jacket back after you discover what acts I (and your good friend, Remus) commited in it.'

**'Lily,  
I want my jacket back despite what villianous, sexual acts you and Moony committed while wearing said clothing article.  
Don't you know my favorite uncle bough me that jacket right before he died?  
Sincerely,  
James'**

_'James,  
Remus says that a load of dragon dung. He was with you when you bought previously discussed jacket for five Sickles at a second-hand shop. (We will leave topic of discussion for time being until one James Potter admits he is a liar.)  
By the way, Sirius keeps owling my boyfriend and asking for seduction/sex advice. You may want to look into the art of fellatio. (Just a word of advice, however. Don't swallow. It tastes vulgar.)  
Sincerely,  
Lily_

P.S. Don't tell Remus I said that.'

**'Moony,  
I thought you were supposed to be my friend. Telling Lily about my jacket? Shame on you, mate. By the way, you said no bird had ever gone down on you. You are such a nasty liar, Moony.  
Off to write Padfoot.  
Sincerely,  
Mssr. Prongs**

P.S. What the hell is fellatio?'  
  
_'Sirius,  
What's this I hear about you pestering Moony for 'seduction/sexual advice' (Lily's words, not mine)? Is somebody feeling horny? Neglected? Upset that I've been making them wank alone for nearly three months?  
I have a surpise for you this weekend.  
Yours,  
James_

P.S. I love you'

**'Dearest Prongs,  
My girlfriend can withhold sex. You can withhold nothing. Secondly, it is none of your business what sexual acts I have or have not engaged in with said 'bird'. Thirdly, fellatio is a blowjob you uneducated wank.  
Most sincerely,  
Mssr. Moony'**

_'Prongsy,  
Did I ever mention how much I love you? And that I have absolutely no intention of rushing you into sex before you want it? That being said, how can you not want it you chaste herbivore? Do you really enjoy wanking alone in the shower? Thats sad, Prongs, very sad indeed.  
I've just had a letter from Lily demanding I buy you another jacket so you stop 'bitching' at her and throwing a 'drama queen hissy fit'. Isn't that the jacket you wanted to get rid of so badly? Tsk, tsk, Prongs. (I'm so proud of you.)  
Only two more days until I can see you. So happy. I love you so much. So so much.  
Yours eternally and forever and without further ado,  
Sirius_

P.S. I did go a bit overboard on the word 'so' in that last line, didn't I?

P.P.S. Did I mention I love you?'

**'Lily,  
So, you gave James the hint to give me head, huh? I'll make sure you're buried with that jacket if that's what you wish.  
Yours with gratitude and anything you request,  
Sirius'**

_'Lily,  
Love of my life, most beautiful woman. What the bloody hell did you tell James to give Sirius head for? And why is he asking me what it feels like and if Sirius likes it? And why is Sirius owling me to ask what it feels like and all sorts of other embarassing questions?  
Loving you despite the toll,  
Remus'_

**'Remus,  
Well, I could stop doing it. They might desist the question asking if there is nothing left to question.  
Yours,  
Lily'**

_'Lily,  
Don't ever joke about that.  
Yours,  
Remus'  
_  
**'Sirius,  
Not everybody has the sexual appetite of an extremely large horny dragon, you bloody wank. That being said, I do enjoy wanking in the shower, although I much prefer it when someone else (that's you) is in the shower with me. (Oh, dear, this letter isn't Moony's is it?)  
Just kidding, love. Calm down. Deep breaths and count to ten. Don't make the face at me, Sirius. Sirius Black! Stop it. I was joking. I never want to join Moony in the shower, nor Lily, nor Peter, nor anyone but the man who radiates sex, one Sirius Black. Yes, you. Can you breathe now? I must find some way to remove my lips from your arse.  
Yours,  
James**

P.S. I love you.'

_'James,  
You do not need to remove your lips from my arse. I like them there. You can leave them as long as you can be apart from them. (Which is tomorrow, thank the heathen gods.) So, Moony, eh? I thought he struck your fancy.  
And just so you know, I was not seeing read when you made those remarks. I was quite happy, although that's due to the mass quantities of liquor floating around in my system. I'll be sure to send you a much more angry letter (or give you a severe talking to, perhaps with added spanking) when alcohol has left my body.  
Most agreviously, I must go, my dearest Prongs. Mother's screaming something about Muggles in the house across the street and I must make sure her wand doesn't backfire on company.  
Yours forever and till eternity breaks,  
Sirius_

P.S. I love you more.'  


* * *

**Note to my lovely readers. All of the story is told through letters. Therefore we never actually see any action whatsoever (if there is any). I tell all through letters. (It's quite fun.) Oh, and let me know if the letters are confusing in any way. I don't include them all.**


	3. Part Three: LilyTheNotSoChaste

_Title: The Letters: Part Three: Lily-The-Not-So-Chaste  
Author: Me!  
Disclaimer: Don't own HP characters  
Summary: Sirius and James exchange surprises. Lots of short letters back and forth...Sirius and Lily bicker.  
Dedication: For Stacey DC.  
_  
**LETTERS  
****Part Three: Lily-The-Not-So-Chaste**

_'Lily,  
Thank you so much for your wonderful care package. I am now grounded until further notice and my mother fainted when she realized that her son was gay. Was it really necessary to include porn? Couldn't you have just sent the condoms and things? They wouldn't have deduced from that.  
-James'_

**'James,  
I am going to kill you. I swear to God. And you never said anything the entire time I was talking to your mother. And she already knows you're gay. I'm telling Remus!  
-Lily'**

_'Sirius,  
No, I love you more.  
Yours,  
James'_

**'Moony,  
You're girlfriend accidently sent your letter to me. I'm sending it to you. Pretend I never read the letter. Please, I'm begging you.  
-Padfoot'**

_'Mssr. Padfoot,  
What, no running commentary this time?  
Sincerely,  
Mssr. Moony'  
_  
**'Mssr. Moony,  
Hell no. Your girlfriend scares the hell out of me.  
Sincerely yours,  
Mssr. Padfoot'**

_'James,  
Wow. Wasn't that the most wonderful three and a half hours ever? Until my parents came and practically broke down your door, that is? Wow. I didn't know that you could fit THAT much in your mouth. What other tricks do you have up your sleeve, Prongs? Vibrating fingers?  
I love you so much. I did tell you that yesterday, didn't I? But, putting the amazing blowjob aside . . . I do love you, very much. Our anniversary is in two days. And you looked so cute afterwards, when we were just lying in your bed holding each other. I love your hair when it's got all that sweat running through it. It's so beautiful, James.  
Now I must go owl Lily and get an idea of how to return the favor. See you on Wednesday, Prongsy.  
I love you so so so so so so much!  
X's & O's,  
Sirius'_

**'Sirius,  
X's & O's? Sometimes you make me naseous. Normally I would say that you don't have to return the favor, but if the look on your face was any indication of how good that must feel, I bloody DEMAND you return the favor, and possibly with interest.  
My mother knows what went on, I think. She's not as thick as you think she is, Padfoot. She mentioned immediately after you left that it might be a good idea to wash my sheets. And then she had Dad give me a talk about birth control, although I know more about gay birth control than he does. (Even though I don't know where the baby goes. Sirius, you have to tell me where the baby goes when a guy gets pregnant because I don't know and Moony hasn't sent me his anatomy book yet.)  
Anyway, I'm rambling once again. I love you more, Sirius, without all the so's because they can be pretty damn annoying. Love you, you annoying git.  
Yours forever,  
James'**

_'Moony,  
Where does the baby go when a guy gets pregnant? I was just teasing Prongs. I really have no idea where the hell it goes.  
Sincerely,  
Mssr. Padfoot'_

**'Dearest Padfoot,  
How the hell should I know? I'm not gay and have no intention of getting pregnant. I'll send James the anatomy book and you can ask him.  
Sincerely,  
Mssr. Moony'**

_'Most Dearest and Amazing Moony,  
It's that time of the month, isn't it? Poor, poor Moony.  
Yours with the upmost sincerity,  
Mssr. Padfoot'_

**'Sirius,  
There is no way in hell I'm getting pregnant. And if I'm the bottom (and I'll will be if you get your bloody way) we are using every form of birth control known to man.  
Yours,  
James (who absolutely refuses under any circumstances whatsoever to get pregnant)**

P.S. I love you.'

_'James,  
Well, I'm not getting pregnant. And you're damn right that YOU'RE the bottom. I'm the top. I'm the only one who knows what's going on half the time, anyway.  
Yours,  
Sirius (who loves you very much and is just teasing and can fit a WHOLE banana in his mouth now)'  
_  
**'Sirius,  
I request that you return the magazine and book I lent you immediately. I know now what a bad idea it was to give you dirty stories and pictures you can wank to. It will never happen again. And there had better not be anything on the pages, cover, spine, etc.  
Sincerely,  
Lily'**

_'Lily,  
Returning magazine and book. I did not wank to either of them, you ridiculous girl who wants to be THAT much closer to my bodily fluids. I have much more profane, graffic pictures to wank to. (And I know you're just upset that mine is longer than your boyfriend's so HA!)  
Sincerely,  
Padfoot'_

**'Sirius,  
A whole banana? Wow.  
Yours forever and eternally and neverending,  
James'**

_'Moony,  
Haven't written you a letter in two days. Am sending one now. I will be at James' in less than fifteen minutes. There is really nothing to tell you except that your girlfriend is now desperate to become male. (She finally realized that not even you, my most refine Moony, are a match for the sex god that is Sirius Orion Black. I expect her tonight. She made a Polyjuice Potion and is going to be a gorgeous naked male at my beck and call. Have no worries, I will return her to you when the Potion wears off.)  
Sincerely,  
Mssr. Padfoot'_

**'Padfoot,  
Go fuck yourself.  
Most sincerely,  
Moony'**

_'Sirius,  
Oh, please, please, please don't tell Remus ever again the secret plans we make with each other. By the way . . . you're insane. Get help.  
Sincerely,  
Lily (who wishes she had a cool nickname)'_

**'Sirius,  
Wow. That was . . . wow. You're amazing. How did you . . . Never mind, I don't want to know. Well, I think I do. But don't answer the question.  
I love you forever and until the ends of the earth meet the ends of the moon and the sands of time are all blown to hell.  
Yours forever and ever and ever,  
James'  
**  
_'James,  
So how long until the joy of blowjobs wear off and we get to have sex?  
Just joking.  
Yours,  
Sirius'_

**'Lily,  
I shall now refer to you as 'Lily-The-Not-So-Chaste'. You now have a cool nickname.  
Yours,  
Padfoot (who's nickname is much, much cooler)'**

_'Padfoot,  
Don't you mean 'Lily-Who-Is-Getting-More-Than-You'?  
Yours,  
Lily-Who-Is-Getting-More-Than-You'_

**'Lily-The-Not-So-Chaste,  
Sod off.  
Yours,  
Padfoot-Who-Gives-Much-Better-Head-Than-You'  
**  
_'Sirius,  
Stop pissing Lily off.  
Yours,  
James'_


End file.
